What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

The only rule us 5 kids had .

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

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But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

Who then, do I blame.?

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

What factors contributed to The Beatles' bitterness?

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

But, we were locked up after school.

She was in good health!

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When she asked me how she looked .

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

What was the craziest place that you had sex with someone in public?

I did it because my mum asked me too!

What did i know ?

So, i spoilt her more .

As a guy, how do you know you if you are considered attractive?

I know ,a lot about trauma.

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

Have you ever had your crush reject you, and then later you all dated and married?

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

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I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

We were not on the streets..

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

It has been said that people with ADHD can often hyperfocus. Can that be an advantage?

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

(And it was in our own minds.)

She found it foreign!.

Why do some people believe that Homelander would be no match for Superman or Thor?

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

I could never make a relationship work though!

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

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I was seconnd youngest,

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

Is it okay for a wife who comes home from a date to tell her husband what she did?

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

Where the ultimate outsiders.

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

I was 9 years of age.

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

Ive learnt so much.

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

I never cut or harmed myself..

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

So whats the point in blame.

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

He was dying to do it , i knew.

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

This is soul school!.

I waited trembling.

Especially a lifetime of it.

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

She married twice! .

He knew the spot.

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

This is how, and why children get BPD.

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

I was very sick at this time too.

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

On the 31st of Jan this month .

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

My mum and dad in the seventies!

My life is so biszare .

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

Im dying but, im not bitter.

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

And i lived it daily.

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

I couldn’t, believe it.

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

Im still living with it.

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

But ive been too sick for many years..

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

And who doesn’t know suffering?

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

Comes on , in middle age.

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

I had hoped to write a book about this .

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

Would this be the day?

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

She loved him until the end.

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

It was going to be , some day.

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

I was scared of men, in general

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

I said to her

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

He resisted the act ,that day.

Why did i forgive my father ?

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

I think the readers, may guess!

Put me off passion for life!!

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

They are buried together, in the same grave..

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

I write beautiful poetry .

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

I have no regrets .

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

I will be 64.

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

One cannot live in the past .

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

As i do to all so called friends.?

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

I don,t even have a pension.

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

She wouldn,t have been !

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

Was to survive, this bastard.

We all went to grammer schools

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

But it wasn’t much.

My family never makes their pension either.

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

All the time i was locked up.

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!